May I, just this once, out loud, say, to product marketing managers everywhere, particularly those responsible for marketing the Swiffer, in words that paraphrase David Milch, by way of Brad Dourif as Doc Cochran:

What earthly use is my protracted suffering to you?

Why did you feel the need to concoct the ponderous Five Signs of Clean, and then put them on display in such an insidious fashion that I might not discover them until they were on a shelf in my home? In my home, where my wife sleeps, and my cats play with their toys?

Perhaps I’m being too harsh. There may be vast, untapped capital sitting amongst the lint in the pockets of people who are too stunned to know when something is clean. Or maybe it is a sincere, altruistic attempt to educate people who live in filth, so that they are not shocked into cardiac arrest when they find themselves in an environment that is not caked in grime. Well, in that case, I’ll happily climb aboard that parade float and spread the good word. For those who are not lucky enough to have Swiffer wet refills under the sink at home, or have not yet realised that they can click the above image for a closer look, the Five Signs of Clean are, in order: See, Smell, Touch, Shine, and, wait for it, Trap & Toss.

And there we have not only a valuable lesson in household hygiene but also the most baffling use of bullets in advertising since Crest promised that their Pro-Health Toothpase protects against whitening.